let's be honest.

Here's the thing.

When you're looking toward the future, people will have all kinds of advice for you. Some tell you to follow your dreams, chase the stars, shoot for the sky. Others remind you that in the real world, all that and five bucks will buy you a gallon of gas. It's all bullshit.

Dreams don't grow on trees. They're almost impossible to catch. In fact, most people don't achieve their dream. 90% of all people die unhappy, unsatisfied, and under-potential.

What makes me think I'm special enough to be in that 10%?

The truth is, I'm likely to fail spectacularly at breaking into the film business. I'm not cool enough to be an insider. I have no persuasive ability. Plus, times have changed, and stupid movies sell. Plots with quick hooks but no substance, scenes full of explosions and sex and cars. Derivative bullshit, patterned after the few good films that Hollywood has made.

Take Wanted for example. Crowd-pleasing, pretty likable movie. Lots of action and sex appeal. Premise-- and execution-- almost completely ripped off from Fight Club and The Matrix. There might not be a single original thought in this film. (Except-- MINOR SPOILER ALERT!-- the mildly-retarded "loom of fate" concept). Yet Wanted is what audiences and critics are recommending.

This is not to say I didn't like the movie. I enjoyed it, the same way I enjoy a delicious yogurt treat from Golden Spoon-- with zero thought to its nutritional value. But my point is, I want to make GOOD movies. You know, the kind nobody watches anymore.

I don't like the same type of movies that Hollywood usually sells. I think there's a growing number of people who recognize that the quality of movies has been horrendous lately, but there aren't enough of us to change "what sells".

Not yet, anyway.

So why do I even dream of being a filmmaker? Because I want to change things? I love that I'm egotistical enough to believe I can change Hollywood. I can't change a tire. I can't even change the fucking subject.

If there's a guy to revolutionize the entertainment industry from the outside in, he's probably a lot more awesome than I am.

The truth is, that guy isn't me. No matter how much I wish I were him-- I'm not.

But I've still got a summer left to make my first movie, so fuck it. I'll waste another pair of months chasing stars. Then I'll slap myself back down to boring, drudging reality and laugh at myself for trying to live outside the box.

Then maybe when I'm a 40-year-old systems analyst and I hate my life, I can look back on this summer and feel a glimmer of what it used to mean to be young and happy. I'll remember the freedom I felt and wonder what happened to the dreams I used to have. The ones that died a cold, dark death in a lonely corner of my mind, the day that I gave up on them.
















...

Just kidding. I'll try to keep dreaming. Denial is a beautiful thing.