Tuesday, June 23, 2009

8-sploitation

Remember a couple weeks ago when I wrote about the sick circus sideshow that is "Jon and Kate Plus Eight"? Well, it's only getting sicker.

According to breaking news on yesterday's IMDb front page... the dream, officially, is dead. Jon and Kate Gosselin are filing for divorce.


The tragic news was announced on a very special hourlong episode Monday night, on TLC. I didn't see the episode, because I believe in democratic television, and I think a dark TV set is about as good as a vote for change. If the former Mr. and Mrs. Gosselin wanted to further exploit their eight underaged children for the benefit of fame, talk shows and headlines, and a hefty cut of advertising profit -- they could do it without me.

10.6 million Americans watched the episode. It was the largest audience in TLC's history, and the highest cable TV number of 2009.

Sick.

Jon and Kate are now topping headlines across the country, as the drama of their infidelities and emotional abuse unfolds in front of a hungry, frothing multitude. Lost in the hurricane, once again, are their children. They've known fame since the day of their birth. Now because of their parents' self-seeking actions, the magnifying glass over their family has fallen even closer. The psychological trauma of growing up with a camera man sitting in your crib pales in comparison to the Greek tragedy of your family's seismic breakup playing out right in front of the wide-eyed American mass media.

I ask again, what will become of these kids -- Cara, Madelyn, Alexis, Hannah, Leah, Joel, Aaden and Collin -- when they're old enough to make decisions on their own? Where will they go for help? What will they do?

Oh no, just wait... you haven't even heard the best part!

Jon and Kate Gosselin aren't done yet. Despite the emotional trauma that their divorce has surely caused to the family -- The Show must go on. "Jon and Kate" will not die.

TLC is putting the show on a so-called "hiatus" for the next few weeks, while their producers and story editors hold frantic emergency meetings in supply closets and rear parking lots across Hollywood, scrambling to piece together a narrative to keep their highest-rated TV franchise afloat.

Ideas are being pitched left, right and center. Perhaps Kate will take the kids to South America on a bonding trip. Maybe Jon could buy a new summer home in the Hamptons with a heated swimming pool in the shape of a giant dollar sign


and all the little shits can splash around while Jon discusses alimony settlements with his lawyer on the patio, leaving the cameramen to supervise in case one of the brats goes under or loses consciousness. Maybe we could even put a faulty suction tube at the bottom of the pool to suck one of them down and trap them there for a minute, so Jon could courageously leap in and save them.

God, wouldn't that be great television?

The sickest thing of all is, it would be. And it would probably get tons of viewers, and publicity, and media coverage. Because that's how the system works.

One last thought... You think Jon and Kate Gosselin don't know how the system works? Think again. They know exactly how much publicity their antics are generating, and they're milking it for every last drop.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

my all-star lineup...

I still have to make up for that Sanjaya abomination. So here are some nicer pictures.





zooey Pictures, Images and Photos

my first job

Let's clear the water after that mishap, shall we?

This may not have been stated already on this blog, but it's an important bit of information you should know: I'm a member of the Marching Band at my esteemed university. And I don't know how to put this but... it's kind of a big deal.

The Band plays at all home football games (in one of the most famous college football stadiums in the world), all home basketball games and postseason games, and numerous on-campus sporting events and other gigs. We were mocked all our lives for putting on our silly caps with feathers, shiny capes, and dinkles. Now we're on TV every week in front of millions. The thing about our Band is that we happen to be a part of a major university, in the grip of the media capital of the U.S., so we're also constantly being asked to send small groups to do bigger jobs -- TV shows, commercials, movies, gigs at exclusive hotels/clubs/parties, etc.

I can only brag about this kind of thing because for the most part, I'm never chosen to do any of these gigs.

But last spring before my sophomore year ended, a job came up that I knew I had to do. If there was ever a time to call in my favors, beg and plead and whine and argue for a gig -- this was it. Fox Searchlight had asked our Band for a small group to dress in full uniform, with instruments, to be paid extras in a feature film. And given my new career path -- I wasn't about to let the opportunity pass.

I emailed my assistant director and told her I was pursuing a career in movies, and I wanted a shot at experiencing a day on-set. Two days later I got the list of people selected. Out of 250 band members, I had been chosen, along with sixteen others. I was going to get my very first taste of the Hollywood machine.


Going into the shoot, I'd only heard the title of the movie: "500 Days of Summer". Sounded like a typical indie whatever. Fox Searchlight has made a name for itself releasing films like Napoleon Dynamite, Little Miss Sunshine and Juno -- could it be possible I'd be involved with their next big independent summer hit?

It was a quiet morning in June -- still dark outside -- when I met the other saxophone player at the turnaround outside De Neve. We'd been emailed a copy of the song we were going to be faking:  Hall and Oates' "You Make My Dreams Come True".  I had listened to the song and honestly, my first thought was "how the hell am I going to fake this?"  There's no sax part -- in fact there's nothing even close to a sax part.  Luckily my saxophone friend had burned a CD for us with the song, and he played it -- on repeat -- the entire way to Downtown.  I quickly realized this song would become the bane of my existence.  And I kept thinking I'd have to figure out a way to fake it on camera in the next three hours, or my movie career would be kaput.  This would prove to be a slight exaggeration.

We showed up at "base camp" (which is Hollywood slang for the trailers and lunch tables, where all production stuff is run) at about 6 AM.  Sax guy #2 and I met with the other band members near Crafty (craft services), grabbed some delicious muffins for breakfast, and piled into a 15-passenger van to make the trip to set.  I thought I recognized Zooey Deschanel coming out of a production trailer. My God, she's beautiful. Wish I had pictures.

After a few minutes we arrived at a random city park in Downtown.  The van stopped at a turnaround and we all jumped out, looking around for cameras, lights, anything -- but it was just a random driveway.  We milled around.  Finally a production coordinator came along and hustled us up some stairs, around a corner and out into...  what?

It looked like some type of construction site.  Cranes and forklifts backing up, generators humming, assistants hustling around carrying waivers and coffee.  I took a waiver, passed on the coffee.  Signed my name, circled the time.  I didn't know it at the moment, but I would end up working twelve full hours that day plus four overtime.  But time is a funny thing on a movie set.  Two hours had already somehow gone by, and it felt like we were just getting started.

All of us band geeks were already dressed out in uniform, and many of us broke out textbooks and homework while we waited for someone to tell us what to do.  The director (Marc Webb) was busy conferring with the choreographer and lead actor, Joseph Gordon-Levitt.  I was stoked on meeting this guy -- and what 90's kid wouldn't be?


That's him on the right. One of the classic movies of my childhood. If you don't know what it is, I'm leaving you out in the outfield on this one.

And I'm happy to report that he's genuinely a nice guy, and seemed very appreciative of the work we did as a Band.

We heard the choreographer working with a bunch of dancers, while Webb blasted "You Make My Dreams Come True" over gigantic speakers.  I struck up a conversation with our friendly production coordinator, who I've now realized was also in charge of "wrangling extras".  This is something I had to do on Wedding Palace, and given the number of extras we had that day, it is actually zero percent fun.  She was real nice, though.  She told me to stay in school and avoid the film industry at all costs.  I didn't want to disagree, so I kept my mouth shut.  But it's interesting to note that she's not the only one to tell me this, by far.  Several other people I met that day told me to steer clear of the Biz.  I think career production people actually hate their lives.  That's why I'm sticking with writing.

Finally we were rehearsing with the choreographer.  It was a huge dance sequence, and adding the Band was the icing on the cake. We crossed in front of the huge Panavision camera in formation, added in a spinny-sequence, and then truck-stepped out of there. The routine was quite fun. Having to listen to "You Make My Dreams Come True" about 117 times in a row made it all the more special.

I couldn't help but notice, as the director brought us back in for close-up shots, that I was positioned right in front for the new shot. Sure enough, we did the cross, the spinny sequence, and the truck-step, all with me centered in the frame.

I acted my heart out in those few takes.  Did the spinnies with all the spinny passion I could muster.  Truck-stepped with total trucking enthusiasm.  I understood it was meant to be a goofy scene.  I tried to fit the mood with the routine, even though it was pretty tough to maintain all of that at once.  After the set-up, Mark Webb and the choreographer complimented us all on a job well done.  Apparently, we nailed it.

They did a few other scenes as the daylight burned away.  Joseph Gordon-Levitt was a much better dancer than I expected.  Our assistant band director even jumped into a bunny-rabbit costume before they decided to cut the dancing mascots.  They worked with a gigantic fountain.  I consumed a bunch of crappy craft-services snacks and got some studying done. Eventually, they called the band back over for one last scene.

In stark contrast to the huge dance sequence -- this was set to be a sad day for our leading man.  He walked by the steps where we sat, and all the extras rose as one and booed the shit out of him.  One of our trumpet dudes even managed to get a joke in the scene that they ended up keeping.  Who knows if any of that stuff made the final cut.  After the scene was over, we all crowded around Webb and Gordon-Levitt as they thanked us for our hard work.  Sixteen hours had finally passed -- sunlight was sinking -- and it was time to go home.

I spent so much time that morning worrying about how I was going to "act", worrying that people would notice if I wasn't actually playing.  As it turned out, the scene went off beautifully and nobody even thought to question why there wasn't a full band in the soundtrack.  In fact...  according to early reviews, our dance sequence is one of the most memorable parts of the movie, and "500 Days of Summer" is turning a lot of heads.  Sundance gave it a standing ovation.  So far it's at 100% on Rotten Tomatoes.  And clearly, it's all because of me.

It opens July 17.  I haven't seen it yet, but you can bet your sally ass I'm getting tickets on opening night for me and whoever else wants to go.  It's my big screen debut.  How could I miss it?

summer vacation

Summer vacation. The perfect time to be tall, buff and shirtless. Or if your name is Sanjaya... just shirtless.


Oh God! I can't believe I just did that. I was all set to write up a nice post about summertime and how great it is. Now I have to go pour rubbing alcohol in my eyes and spend three weeks in the shower.

Don't worry readers. I know I made a big deal about my (body) size. But at least I'm better looking than this dude.

Oh GOD. There's really no way to recover this post now-- I'll try again later.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

it's good karma...

game 3 of denver series -- big win on the road for LA.



It's probably greedy to predict a win tonight, but I think this team has it in them. I'm not going to predict it. Instead I'm just gonna watch.

two more games and it's in the history books.

by the way

For those of you who are still here after that crazy rant the other day...


That's right -- a small kitten, bent in half and stuffed into a tiny heart-shaped box -- just for you.

beam me UP scotty

I saw Up and Star Trek last weekend... Yes, my taste in movies is exactly what advertisers tell me it should be. And yes, both movies are super-candidates for bona fide BSB status. But remember what I said (roughly): "When a buckblastin-blockbuster works, IT WORKS." And both movies were fantastic.


I give Up ups for its sheer audacious originality, and Star Trek deserves kudos for its talented cast of actors. Both movies had insane visuals and CGI. Both were well-directed (Pete Docter for Pixar, J.J. Abrams for Paramount) and well-written enough to make HUNDREDS of millions worldwide... and these are not easy things to accomplish by any means. If you don't think so, ask yourself how many other people are putting out $100M+ films.


Now granted, both Up and Star Trek were put out by major major major corporations. It does kinda seem like that's the game you're forced to play when you want to make a BSB... sell it to a Big 6 studio. Paramount, Disney, WB, Universal. (Two others.) Now that's really goddamn hard to do -- unless you've got a pedigree like Pixar, or you're writing for a major franchise of movies like Trek. Or you're willing to sell your soul to the corporate overlords.

As far as me personally, as a writer (potential director or whatever)? Because I know you're wondering how I fit in to all this discussion of blockbusters and buckblasters and Big 6 studios.

Getting to a level of success where I could potentially make BSBs would be an amazing opportunity. On a very basic level, I'm strongly motivated to be the best, to excel, in everything I do. The one thing I fear the most is mediocrity. So part of me badly wants to achieve that level of success in my career -- but another part thinks that I might have to sell my soul to get there.

Well, I could get a job with Pixar.

Anyway -- This is all just a daydream for now. Bottom line, if you haven't caught Up or Star Trek already, try to see either one on the big screen. Or you could check out The Hangover. That one's making an F-ton of money as well.

Now give me a snappy line to go out on.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

no, but seriously, the big one IS coming

A huge part of my writing philosophy is "write what you know".

I think a lot of people could be great writers if they understood this concept. Every single one of us has a story, unique, and fascinating. It's these unique parts about us that make us who we are -- and if we can tap into this when we write, our writing becomes that much better. Other people will recognize it as human. And every great story has a beating heart.

Now keep in mind -- I didn't say "write ABOUT what you know". Because you can't keep sitting around writing about yourself. Unless you're writing an autobiography, or your own Wikipedia page.

What you have to do is take what you're writing about and make it your own.

By the way... Did you know that Youtube has a Twitter?

I'm starting to get scared. I think I read about this kind of thing in Revelation. Next comes the huge cloud of locusts. (or a firmament-rending earthquake)