8-sploitation

Remember a couple weeks ago when I wrote about the sick circus sideshow that is "Jon and Kate Plus Eight"? Well, it's only getting sicker.

According to breaking news on yesterday's IMDb front page... the dream, officially, is dead. Jon and Kate Gosselin are filing for divorce.


The tragic news was announced on a very special hourlong episode Monday night, on TLC. I didn't see the episode, because I believe in democratic television, and I think a dark TV set is about as good as a vote for change. If the former Mr. and Mrs. Gosselin wanted to further exploit their eight underaged children for the benefit of fame, talk shows and headlines, and a hefty cut of advertising profit -- they could do it without me.

10.6 million Americans watched the episode. It was the largest audience in TLC's history, and the highest cable TV number of 2009.

Sick.

Jon and Kate are now topping headlines across the country, as the drama of their infidelities and emotional abuse unfolds in front of a hungry, frothing multitude. Lost in the hurricane, once again, are their children. They've known fame since the day of their birth. Now because of their parents' self-seeking actions, the magnifying glass over their family has fallen even closer. The psychological trauma of growing up with a camera man sitting in your crib pales in comparison to the Greek tragedy of your family's seismic breakup playing out right in front of the wide-eyed American mass media.

I ask again, what will become of these kids -- Cara, Madelyn, Alexis, Hannah, Leah, Joel, Aaden and Collin -- when they're old enough to make decisions on their own? Where will they go for help? What will they do?

Oh no, just wait... you haven't even heard the best part!

Jon and Kate Gosselin aren't done yet. Despite the emotional trauma that their divorce has surely caused to the family -- The Show must go on. "Jon and Kate" will not die.

TLC is putting the show on a so-called "hiatus" for the next few weeks, while their producers and story editors hold frantic emergency meetings in supply closets and rear parking lots across Hollywood, scrambling to piece together a narrative to keep their highest-rated TV franchise afloat.

Ideas are being pitched left, right and center. Perhaps Kate will take the kids to South America on a bonding trip. Maybe Jon could buy a new summer home in the Hamptons with a heated swimming pool in the shape of a giant dollar sign


and all the little shits can splash around while Jon discusses alimony settlements with his lawyer on the patio, leaving the cameramen to supervise in case one of the brats goes under or loses consciousness. Maybe we could even put a faulty suction tube at the bottom of the pool to suck one of them down and trap them there for a minute, so Jon could courageously leap in and save them.

God, wouldn't that be great television?

The sickest thing of all is, it would be. And it would probably get tons of viewers, and publicity, and media coverage. Because that's how the system works.

One last thought... You think Jon and Kate Gosselin don't know how the system works? Think again. They know exactly how much publicity their antics are generating, and they're milking it for every last drop.