doubt

Everything you're about to read is true.

Y'all doubt me. I know it... I feel it, in the way you keep ignoring me and acting like I ain't shit. Well the truth is, you right, for now. At this moment I ain't shit, I'm just a little guy with a little blog who never writes and when he does, it's all bullshit.

"Iggy's Quest"? What a fuckin' weird concept, dude. What are you, like, a pasty RPG-playing, Hot-Pocket-chomping nerd with no friends? Oh and that whole "BSB" thing last week? I could barely stomach the first fuckin' paragraph!! Condescending, know-it-all, impossible to read bullshit. And how about a review I can read that doesn't spoil the whole goddamn plot!!

(For the record, I have friends.)

That's all okay if you don't know me though. A lot of people who meet me think I ain't shit either. I have a medical condition, the result of a hyperactive gag reflex of some kind -- it's something that no doctor has fully understood or been able to diagnose. It happens every time: I eat too much, too fast, or too much sugar/fat -- I go to meet my boy Ralph. He don't talk much, but he real colorful. As a result I have the body of a little boy -- have since I WAS a little boy.

Now I know this: IT'S NOT MY FAULT.

But I walk into any room and all the other boys know I'm second-class, cuz I'm short and I'm skinny. And you know all the girls go wet for fuckin' Mini Me.

I ain't looking for sympathy, I'm way the fuck past that. I know you probably pity me when you see me. I KNOW YOU DO. But it's not something I can control. People tell me "you need to eat a sandwich, dude!!" and then laugh. Yeah. Awesome.

I go to the beach, I take off my shirt, I hear giggles. No joke, this happened last weekend. It sometimes takes me a few weeks/months to get in good with new folks -- they call me weird at first, and I guarantee you, it ain't my personality because I'm pretty fuckin' normal. I walk out of rooms and conversations start. I walk INTO rooms and conversations stop.

As you might be able to guess, growing up with this shit in my head every day, it's given me some... confidence issues.

To be honest, the greatest thing I want to accomplish in my life... is to prove all the pricks wrong. Prove that I'm an important Iggy, that I can do something of value. Prove that I DESERVE RESPECT like anyone else. That I'm not a little boy. I'm a writer.

This ain't my best work either. I know that. My best is years and years away.

Now... I tell you all this because I know you doubt me too. You, my tiny, tiny readership. You've read "667" and it isn't that great. You like the blog, but you know how impossible it is to break into Hollywood, and usually it's the strongest personalities that rise to the top, the most forceful. You've met me in real life, and you know I don't got what it takes. People don't listen to me, they don't buy what I have to sell, because no one takes me serious. Sorry kid, but in Hollywood, you HAVE to get people to take you serious. If you can't even do that -- hop on the 405 South, hop a train, hop a plane, and get the FUCK out of this town. No sympathy, just honesty.

Well, I have a message for you. I know you doubt. I do too.

But you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Someday I'm gonna make it. Someday, people are gonna listen to me... someday, it's all gonna happen for me. People are going to know my name.

That's why I don't care how much people crap on me now, boys and girls alike. One day I'll rise above it all. The heavens will part and angelic choruses will sing, and I'll ascend further and further into the sky, through clouds and ozone and space and stars and galaxies, and as I rise my earthly body will grow and swell, until I'm bigger than the world, and then I'll turn around and pick it up and eat it in one gigantic bite, and all the billions of people in my belly will cry out to me and beg me not to digest them, and as I finally drift beyond the Universe I'll open my mouth and expel this whole place out my throat and back into space, and then I'll be gone, and my name will be on the lips of every man, woman and child who still lives, and they'll sing of my strength and my power and my glory until the end of time.

Or something to that effect.