rambo

Let's pause for a minute and reflect on the sheer ballsitude of America's manliest actor-writer-producer-director: Sylvester Stallone.


OK, maybe "roid-itude" was the better word. Look at that ARM. You could take a dirt bike and do jumps off those veins.

I had the privilege (today) of watching his latest dream project come to life: the newest Rambo. A couple of friends and I had time to kill and an HDTV at our mercy, so we popped in a Blu-ray copy and settled down to watch. It was just barely ninety minutes long. These days, most movies are closer to the magical two-hour mark. I knew it was supposed to be gory, but I thought, come on... even Willy Wonka was longer than this. It couldn't be too bad.

In the opening scene-- before the name "Rambo" even crossed the screen-- nine people were shot. Civilians.

Some Burmese soldiers had captured them, and for sport they set them free to run away. As the soldiers laughed and jeered the poor stumbling innocents, one of the civilians stepped on a land mine and exploded in a shower of red. Then the others were gunned down, one by one.

This happened before Sylvester Stallone even stepped on screen. And you know when Rambo comes on, it's gonna get worse.

Rambo kills people with pistols, machine guns, machetes, rocks, a BOW AND ARROW, 50-cal sniper rifles, gatling guns, and of course... his fists. (In one scene, he actually rips a man's throat out with his bare hands. He does this right in front of his main leading lady, as she cowers in fear and horror. I think some of the blood actually sprays onto her. Bridge to Terabithia this is not.)

The thing about Rambo is the absolute ridiculous, needless lengths it goes to for the sake of being badass. People were just constantly dying. Not just bad people either-- literally hundreds of civilians were wasted. And Stallone didn't hesitate to show it all on camera.

Children were brutally executed. Women were beaten and raped. Even animals got the Burma treatment. No one was safe. (Except Rambo, but he can't die ever.)

There's an old moviemaking rule: Never kill a child on-screen. It's just not something you do. Stallone knew that rule, because every director knows that rule... but when making Rambo he apparently decided to say "fuck that". Because Sly is too tough to play with the pansy pants on. I think his motto for making the movie was "if it breathes, kill it".

I will say this, though: after all the shit the Burmese soldiers did, it sure felt good to watch Stallone open a ten-gallon drum of Whoop-A on them at the end. For me it was the bow and arrow that did it. I mean, come on. That's just cool.

Then there was a sequence where Rambo was being chased by over a hundred Burmese soldiers-- and he found a chain gun. Suddenly I thought I was watching somebody play Halo.

And Stallone did show some directing, uh... talent prowess skill moxie from time to time. There was a dream sequence filled with fire, rage, and body parts exploding-- it was using footage from the first three Rambos, I guess. Sly really edited the hell out of that thing. The acting was over-the-top ridiculous, so of course it fit perfectly with the rest of the movie.

This movie really got me thinking. You know those T-shirt guns they have at baseball games sometimes? They should make a gun like that, except that it shoots live cobras. You could disguise it easily-- just hide the snakes. That would really liven up the next Jonas Brothers concert.

Also, I think it's possible this movie may have warped my mind a bit.