wake up.

IGGY!!!

Huh?! What? Who's there?

THIS IS YOUR BLOG SPEAKING, IGGY.

(silence)

I MISS YOU.

Aw, come on, IQ. You're still getting all kinds of hits! Remember that Sylvester Stallone picture with the veiny arms, that got listed on search engines? You get twenty visitors a day from Europe!

WAS I CREATED SO THAT AWKWARD EUROPEANS WHO SEARCHED "SYLVESTER STALLONE VEINS" ON GOOGLE COULD MARVEL AT THE BICEPS OF A FORMER SOFTCORE PORN ACTOR?!

No, of course-- Woah. Wait, is that true?

YEP. I LOOKED IT UP ON WIKIPEDIA.

Well I can't help it if my quest got a little static for a while. I was distracted, I was uninspired. It happens! And it seems like you're doing all right without me, IQ. You even learned how to embed links in your sentences.

I HAD TO DO SOMETHING WITH ALL MY FREE TIME.

Agh. Jeez, I'm sorry.

AND IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT ME, EITHER. THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO READ THIS BLOG-- PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T SEEN A NEW UPDATE IN WEEKS. THESE PEOPLE TRULY CARE ABOUT THE QUEST, IGGY. THEY DEMAND RESOLUTION. THEY DEMAND... ANSWERS.

I know. I just really haven't had much to say recently! The reality show went fine. Everything that was going on with the stars of the show, the eight girls who lived in the house for a month, was fascinating and hilarious. But for me, as a lowly PA, I was kept busy in other places, or kept watch during sleeping hours. I can't tell most of the stories I heard because that would breach my contract in many unpleasant and scrotum-threatening ways. So that kinda puts a damper on the whole blog-ability factor.

YOU COULD HAVE WRITTEN A POST ABOUT THAT!

Well... here I am?

I'M SO UPSET WITH YOU RIGHT NOW IGGY. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I SUMMONED YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Speaking of which-- how exactly is this conversation taking place?

DRUGS, IGG-STER.

Benadryl doesn't count. I take it to sleep sometimes. It's better than horse tranquilizers.

SO IF YOU CAN'T TELL ANY OF THE STORIES FROM SET... WHY DO YOU KEEP ME AROUND, ANYWAY?

IQ! You know why I keep you around. I don't just have to talk "shop" all the time! In fact, I don't even think most people find that all very interesting. I can tell stories that I want to tell, post what I want to post-- and it's all the stuff that matters to me most. I love having you around, Google-boy. And I meant to tell you, I dig the new look.

BLOGSPOT IS A FLAWLESS WEBSITE. MY CUSTOMIZATION OPTIONS ARE UNPARALLELED. PURCHASE GOOGLE STOCK.

Uh... Okay?

THE RECESSION IS A LIE. GOOGLE GETS 150 MILLION HITS PER DAY. BUY STOCK. BUY HIGHER RESOLUTION TV SETS. IGNORE THE MONOPOLY, ANTITRUST LAWS ARE OUTDATED-- GOOGLE WILL RULE-- MICROSOFT 2.0--

IQ!!!

(KGHH-- BLURG--)

(silence)

AGH. SORRY ABOUT THAT. 

I am both uncomfortable and, frankly, somewhat concerned for the future of mankind.

COME BACK TO ME, IGGY.

Okay. I'll start writing again. It's easier once you break that "first post in a long while" spell. My craft needs the practice, anyway.

YOU'RE THE BEST.

Thanks.

(SILENCE)

So uh... how do I get out of here?